Army of Two

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The first time I saw Tyson Rios whip out his gold-plated shotgun like he was compensating for a deeply buried childhood trauma, I knew exactly what kind of game I’d signed up for. Army of Two doesn’t ask questions like, “Should we?” or “Why?” It just slaps a helmet on your face, gives you a pocket full of grenades, and throws you into a morally gray warzone like it’s Tuesday. It’s a game that confuses bravado with character development, explosions with emotional stakes, and teamwork with synchronized bullet ballet. And yet, somehow, it works, kind of. Maybe not well, but enough to keep you shrugging and pressing forward while wondering what decade these guys think they’re in. Developed by EA Montreal and released back in the blissfully ignorant days of 2008, Army of Two feels like an Xbox Live voice chat distilled into a playable action flick. It desperately wants to be Gears of War, but ends up as the Mountain Dew Code Red version, more aggressive, less refined, and probably not great for your cognitive development. It’s loud, linear, and unapologetically juvenile. But hey, at least it knows what it is. Mostly.

Two Dudes, One Warcrime

This game has all the narrative subtlety of a Monster Energy drink commercial. You play as Tyson Rios and Elliot Salem, two private military contractors who look like the kind of guys who would bring brass knuckles to a negotiation and still lose. The plot hops from global hotspots like a bad episode of 24, complete with conspiracies, betrayals, and that classic early-2000s “America: problematic but heroic” energy. The world-building isn’t so much built as it is stapled together with explosions. Every setting feels like an excuse for cover-based shootouts: airports, deserts, oil rigs, you name it. There’s no real sense of place, no deeper lore, just a parade of shootouts and testosterone. And the writing? Let’s just say if you’ve ever been in a gym locker room when someone mentions Call of Duty, you’ve heard better dialogue. Still, there’s an almost unintentional charm to how earnestly stupid it all is. Also, shoutout to Smiley, one of the villains, who looks like a rejected Small Soldiers action figure. Seriously, he’s got the plastic menace down to a science. It’s hard to take him seriously when you’re half expecting him to sell you a Happy Meal.

Shoot, Flank, Chest Bump, Repeat

Alright, let’s get this out of the way: the combat works. It’s not elegant, but it’s functional. You’ve got your cover-based shooting, your aggro system (where one guy pulls attention so the other can flank), and your over-the-top back-to-back moments where the camera spins around like a Michael Bay fever dream. That back-to-back feature? Genuinely cool. It slows the game down, amps the drama, and lets you pretend, just for a second, that you’re in something better directed than this. It’s these little bursts of cinematic flair that almost trick you into thinking Army of Two is deeper than it is. Spoiler: it’s not. But you’ll appreciate the illusion. Weapons are customizable, which sounds exciting until you realize you’re just bolting gold plating and bayonets onto guns like you're cosplaying as a Bond villain. The game leans hard into excess, but it’s all so gloriously unnecessary that you almost admire its commitment to being extra. And yet, for all its bravado, the shooting never quite lands with the weight you want. Enemies are spongey, AI is flaky, and sometimes the controls feel like they’re working against you just to see if you’ll rage-quit.

Sepia Filters & Steroid Grunts

Army of Two screams 2008, and not in a good way. The color palette is all rust, dirt, and washed-out military drab, like someone smeared sepia over a Call of Duty menu screen. Character models are bulky and weirdly proportioned, especially Rios, who looks like he was carved out of a fridge. Animations are stiff, facial expressions hover somewhere between “mild constipation” and “suspicious of the salad,” and environmental textures feel like they were last updated during the Bush administration. That said, there’s a gritty charm in how shamelessly it embraces the macho aesthetic. Every explosion looks like it was filmed in a garage full of fireworks and denial. The voice acting, for better or worse, commits. Rios and Salem bicker like they’re in a buddy cop film written by someone who’s never experienced a genuine human emotion. The quips are often painful, but occasionally hit just right, like a dad joke at a funeral. Music’s mostly forgettable, but the sound design sells the gunfights with enough bass and crunch to keep your ears mildly entertained.

Fun Like a Firework in a Trash Can

Army of Two isn’t exactly a pioneer. It didn’t invent cover shooting. It didn’t redefine shooter mechanics. What it did do, however, is double down on the “bro shooter” fantasy and lean into tag-team violence in a way that, at the time, was just rare enough to feel interesting. The aggro system is a decent idea that’s never quite used to its full potential, but it deserves a nod for trying. And while a lot of the game plays like it’s following Cliff Bleszinski’s discarded design docs, there’s an identity here. Not a strong one, mind you, but enough of a personality that it doesn’t get completely lost in the shuffle. Think of it like your one friend who wears camo cargo shorts unironically. He might not be stylish, but at least he’s consistent.

Contractors With Commitment Issues

Army of Two is a product of its time. That’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. It’s the kind of game that probably looked rad in a GameStop demo reel but feels a little empty when you actually sit down with it. It tries hard to impress you with attitude, muscle, and loud bangs, but there’s not a lot under the hood once you strip away the noise. But maybe that’s okay. Not every game needs to be profound. Sometimes you just want to mindlessly mow down wave after wave of enemies with your buddy while talking trash and occasionally spinning in slow motion like you’re auditioning for Bad Boys 3. For all its faults, and there are many, Army of Two still manages to scrape together a functional shooter with a few memorable moments and a surprising amount of charm. This isn’t a must-play. It’s not a hidden gem. It’s more like a nostalgic curio, a loud, mildly janky time capsule of the late 2000s gaming scene. If you’re looking for depth or polish, keep walking. But if you want a short burst of dumb fun with just enough style to keep your eyes open, you could do worse.

Pros:

– Back-to-back mode actually feels cool
– Aggro system has potential
– Weapon customization is fun in a ridiculous way
– Gritty early-2000s shooter vibe hits some nostalgia nerves
– Smiley looks hilariously absurd (in a good way?)

Cons:

– Janky animations and stiff combat
– Forgettable story with try-hard writing
– Washed-out visuals and generic environments
– AI has the intelligence of boiled cabbage
– Constantly tries to be cooler than it is